September 19th

     Today is September 19th, my mama's birthday.  September slipped up on me this year as always, and has become bittersweet.  Perhaps more bitter than sweet.  She's been gone now almost two years and I always think that when her birthday comes around I will do something really awesome like have a cookout and celebrate her life.  In my plan I will light a candle or let some red balloons go in her memory.  However, since she's been gone I haven't been able to do any of those things.  As a matter of fact, just getting out of bed is the best I can do.
 
     She loved celebrations and even planned her last birthday here on earth to a grand scale.  But instead she wound up in the Hospice In-Patient Care unit, in and out of consciousness.  She knew it was her birthday, and she recognized people, but it was a hard, tough day.  I would rather remember her happier, healthier days.  My sweet Lindsey reminded me that she is much happier today in heaven and I truly believe that, but I still miss her here.  I miss her smile and her laugh and the way she called me "darling".  To this very day when something funny happens I have this thought that I need to call her.  And then it hits me.

     If she were here today I would have made a cake and Wayne would fry her fish and hush puppies.  I would have bought her a blouse from her favorite store (Belk's) and the girls would have gotten her fall wreathes and decorations.  She would have insisted on helping me clean up even though it was her day.  Now those are just dreams that make my heart ache. 

     Call me crazy, but sometimes I feel her presence.  I see her in Dalton's sparkle in his eyes when he giggles, in Dana's courage, and in Lindsey's strength.  While I'm at it and confessing my hysteria, I have this feeling that Dalton somehow knows her.  Maybe it's just because I love him so much and now I know exactly how she  felt for her grandchildren.  I didn't understand then, but now that she's gone, I totally understand and I think it is so unfair.  We could of shared that "grandmama love", but then again, between the two of us gushing over our perfect and beautiful grandchildren, the world probably just could not take it!

     The best I can do with all of this is try and love with all my heart and live each day with purpose.  I see God in every little aspect of my life and He has been with me all the way.  I am incredibly blessed to have had her for my mama and we enjoyed many, many happy days.  So today I put one foot in front of the other and simply say, "Happy Birthday Mama,  I love you."